Music Part 3

P seemed to define my entire college experience. I became so pathologically obsessed I could not think of one thing without referring to him, it seemed, although when I think about it I thought about a lot of things without thinking of him. Thank God. I don’t know what happened, if anything. He was dark,

Dad

Today, I found out through my cousin that my dad is being put in an institution by the VA. Apparently he has dementia. We have been estranged for several years. When I got that news, I cried for the first time I can remember about anything having to do with my dad. Dad, you left

Music Part 2

I do know why the music from those dark times stands out for me and makes me want to hold onto the memories. I could say life transforms even the worst things into beautiful things, but I don’t think that’s true. What I do think is that to be alive means to have a soul,

Music Part 1

I am not as philosophically or literarily advanced as Proust. I believe smells DO take you back, but it happens to me so seldom that I don’t think about it that much. Songs, on the other hand, paint immersive technicolor exhibits in my head regarding the past I often never want to leave. I have

Worth It

“That’s Not My Name.” The cadence of that song, and later, the words, the significance of a girl yelling that THAT ISN’T HER NAME, rings in my ears as I pretend to dance on the asphalt with my half-drunk watery beer in a plastic cup. I am wearing a khaki skirt I got at the

Details

There are children playing (and laughing and squealing) outside. They sound like they are about six or younger. It’s still colder than it is warm out, especially now as the sun goes down, but I did have to take my sweater off today. My cat is sitting on my unmade bed, her tail flicking a

What I Wish Hadn’t Happened

Later, in a private dining room at a bar called Del Charro with our classmates, he walked along the row of seats, putting his hands on people’s shoulders and whispering in people’s ears. He’s just doing that so he can whisper in mine. Again, it made me feel better to think this. I was the

For a Moment

A million years ago, I was in an airplane with my seventh and eighth grade classmates, flying back to California from Italy. We were unbelievably lucky private school children who had just spent a week in one of the oldest cities of Western Civilization doing what eighth graders do–having fun but missing the full gravity

Friends

I have an elderly friend who is a little difficult. I have struggled with her for the last two years in particular. She has cared for me at really dark periods and been here, a fixture in Santa Fe, for me. She can also be blunt, judgmental and plain rude. As a mother figure, I

Stream of Consciousness 2/8/2021

I’ve deactivated my Facebook because it takes too much of my attention and in general adds a level of drama to my life that I don’t need. In a nutshell, I am addicted. It is an issue. In general the internet takes too much of my time, especially during this pandemic. I need to find